Everyone has a history. It doesn't matter who you are, where you’re from, or how “holier than thou” you may be-now-you've got some baggage and a history, and neither may be squeaky clean.
Then, you find yourself dating or in a new relationship. What smudges should you really offer up, and which ones should get swept under the rug, away from sight? Or better yet, what should you bring up to the forefront that you wouldn't want getting discovered a few months or a few years down the road?
Let’s discuss what should be shared and what should remain nobody‘s business but your own. Keep in mind though that not ALL these points of…shall we say…interest…are meant to be brought up in the first date. You don’t want someone thinking you’re jumping the gun or anything. But they should come up at some point…some sooner than others, to save time, effort and heart break.
First one up: KIDS. This one is extremely self explanatory. If you’ve got kids, they need to know up front. Kids are certainly nothing to hide and you may save yourself the trouble of getting comfortable with someone and then getting the surprise of a child-and baby mama-or papa-drama. Respect everyone’s time and feelings. Kids need to be brought up on the first or second date.
No kids yet? You might want to know-in general-whether or not they want them. Don’t get carried away and discuss your dream of having your very own soccer team on the first date or anything; bur whether or not someone wants to have kids in the future is a valuable piece of information to bring up before you find yourself engaged and with completely difference stances on having kids.
Next up: RELIGION. This can get sticky. You want to know what someone’s beliefs are, but you don’t want to seem pushy about it or get into a debate over who’s belief system is better or more realistic so on and so forth. If you’re specifically searching for a mate that has the same spiritual beliefs as you, you need to know what theirs are soon. There’s nothing more insulting than dismissing someone because they come from a different religious background than you. Always respect each other’s beliefs and coexist. If you’re of a devout Catholic, Jewish, Christian (or any other faith) background, and want a partner who shares those views…you probably want to start in your place of worship and save yourself some time. Otherwise, a few dates in…just ask. It would suck to live in a world where (respectfully) asking someone’s spiritual beliefs is offensive. Can I get an Amen?
And then: GOALS & ASPIRATIONS. Tread lightly with this one. You want to ensure this person wants more for themselves and isn't planning on working at Hooters-as a waitress-for the next 20 years (I specifically say as a waitress because the current CEO of Hooters was once one; but she had aspirations to do more and went for it). At the same time though, you don’t want it to seem like you’re interviewing anyone. That makes people get defensive and you seem like a prick. Goals are important and they should be shared-with the right people. You don’t want to tell someone new all about your dreams to open your own cookie shop and the business plan you've created and the book of recipes you’ve compiled for it when you’re still feeling them out. You don’t need a stranger thinking you’re nuts and sending negative vibes your way. Ain't nobody got time for that. But if you’re getting good vibes from them and are comfortable with them…and especially if you’re already in a relationship…you should share your goals and aspirations. Some of us like to keep specifics under wraps, but if you’re with someone that truly supports you and genuinely believes in you (it’s got to be genuine), then share away. Sometimes you need someone to have your back and cheer you on when you’re having a low moment while chasing your dreams. Who better than your partner??
Right now you may be thinking…you forgot this one! And this one!…If that’s the case, feel free to comment and open it up for discussion. Get it going in the comment section!
Now we’ll move into what everyone needs to keep to themselves. Surprisingly, a lot of people didn’t have an answer for this. They say they want to be in an “open book” type of relationship. I’m certain though that those same people will agree with the following choices on what people can and should keep themselves:
First up: PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS. Your current doesn't need to know all the little details about your previous; and you shouldn't need to know all the details of theirs. Unless there is a child involved and/or someone is a little on the crazy side, keep it to yourself. The ladies do not need to know what your ex cooked for you or how jealous she was; and the guys don’t need to know your ex used to run you bubble baths or that he cheated on you. Knowing all the-albeit juicy-details of someone’s previous relationship doesn't help what you’re trying to build. In all reality, it could hinder it. It brings about comparisons whether intentional or not, shows possible and actual insecurities, and could make you seem a little off-kilter (or like you're not fully over the ex). Bottom line: no one wants to hear you talk about your ex over dinner and drinks. Keep it short if you have kids and to yourself if you don‘t…And save it for a walk in the park or something…An activity where no liquor is involved. Don’t kill anyone’s buzz or vibe.
Next is: NUMBER OF PARTNERS. Yea I said it. Number of partners is something you can and should keep to yourself. Furthermore, you should never ask your partner a question you don’t want to be asked. What do you get out of knowing how many partners someone has had anyway besides some form of insecurity? Not a damn thing. You should always make sure your partner is healthy and I condone you both getting tested before having relations…but getting tested doesn't mean asking them how many people they've been with. Leave that for the doctor and their confidential records.
And Lastly: POOP. Went there. Your partner…no matter how comfortable you are with them…does NOT need to know about your bowel movements. Period. Guys, it’s gross and extremely un-sexy for you to tell your lady about your activities in the bathroom and just as a PSA, she doesn't want to see you pooping. Close the door and no you can’t go in the bathroom to poop while she’s taking a shower. Ladies, I mean do I really even have to go into it? You’re a lady. That’s why he likes you. Maintain that. Of course, there are those exceptions to the rule; those couples that are totally fine with discussing their “business” and doing the whole vulgar joke thing with poop and farts etc. Umm…more power to you. That’s all I’ll say about that.
In conclusion, I hope you learned something today…or at the very least identified with a few of these share and keep to yourself points of interest. Now go be sexy and amazing in your lives.
Until next time my icicles… peace, communication and sexy nerdiness for all!