Change of Heart: From Can’t Live Without Them to Wishing You Never Met Them

That’s how it is. Usually. You’re in a brand new relationship. It’s fresh and amazing…or maybe even an “off and on” relationship that’s been on... for years. For some reason, you feel like you can’t live without them. You just want to be around them, get texts from them, have all of their attention…or if it’s an old, recurring rendezvous…you live for the times you’re “on”, even though you know you’ll be right back “off” the moment one of you does something that sets the other one into a tailspin-which is usually one of the same few things-every time you’re back “off”…but you know you’ll eventually be right back “on”. 

And then…BOOM. Something really drastic happens. You have a moment of clarity, or you just get tired of the whole ordeal. Maybe you feel smothered or perhaps you’ve reached the end of your rope and have been hurt one too many times. That moment comes…and just like that, you’re done. You don’t want to see them, you cringe when they text you...their calls get declined...and you don't even feel bad about it. 

You’ve officially had enough.

How did you get here??? They used to be your drug, your everything…but now…you’ve quit cold turkey and don’t ever want that drug again. You’re…numb…un-phased…over it. All for the very last time. 

These may seem like two extremes, but they’re an absolute reality. One day you’re completely consumed by someone and the next want nothing to do with them. It’s very similar to being on drugs. The infatuation is an addiction, and an addiction can lead to an overdose...It’s inevitable. Can't see the similarity? Consider eating 7 servings of Oreos or French fries...think about the "Supersize Me" documentary...feeling nauseous? Ok then. 

Many times we stop ourselves from going too far. We find a balance or maintain a level of resistance when we get the urge to text, call or see someone all the time. These days it’s usually to avoid the critically acclaimed “Thirst-Trap” and risk a screen shot of your attempts to communicate being published on social media; but it’s all about sheer infatuation. It may be one-sided and the other person isn’t sure what to do so they just go along with it; or it could be coming from both sides. You both got that first ‘hit’ and can’t seem to get enough of each other’s attention. Things can quickly go from blissful to smothering. It all happens so fast though…but regardless of whether our relationship status is courting, dating or married…how can we avoid it?

A few things come to mind…

Space. Maintain it. Regardless of the relationship type, there’s no reason to be on top of each other 24/7.  Let them play their video games (so long as they acknowledge the importance of moderation)…let them go into the next room to read their book…let them go write in peace…watch the game without having to have a deep conversation in the middle of the 3rd quarter…have a guys’/girls’ night out without texting them every 5 minutes-or worse-demanding they prove they are with who they said they were going to be with. Give each other some space. If you find yourself obsessing over what they’re doing or who they’re with…then you shouldn’t be in a relationship yet...and you might still be in high school or in your first year or two of college. Grow up. Give them space.

Friends. Before you were together, you had friends. You hung out with those friends, called those friends and texted those friends. There were fun nights out, birthdays and drunken nights in. There’s no need to forget they exist just because you’re in a relationship. Of course, there are limits that your friends should understand…like not being available for girls’/guys’ night out on your anniversary, etc. But in turn, your partner shouldn’t have a be all end all opinion on who your friends should be. Whether or not you tell them unsavory stories about that friend’s escapades (and there’s always that ONE friend)…they chose you and not that friend for a reason. Now that you’re together, they can’t go eliminating friends that they think are a bad influence. If they think any  friend is going to influence you so heavily that you screw up your own relationship, you’re not to be trusted and should rethink what you’re getting into. 

Impulses. Check them. Don’t stalk them on Twitter and Instagram. One would think this goes without saying, but how many times have you ‘gotten in trouble’ for something you posted on social media? “You’re tweeting like a single person”… “Do your followers know you’re involved ??” … “ Who the hell is _______ !?” (insert @ handle of a random person of the opposite sex here). Furthermore, don’t try to break the code to their phone or figure out the password to Facebook or Instagram so you can check their texts or direct messages. It’s petty, it’s childish, and again…if you can’t trust them then why…?

Boundaries. Set them, quickly. If you have a strong opinion on something, have deal breakers in the back of your mind, or just have anything that really turns you off or annoys you that they could potentially keep doing down the road…speak up. You don’t have to be mean or rude about it, but if they do something 2 months in that bugs the hell out of you, like continuously burping loudly at the dinner table (1), repeatedly speaking rudely to a waiter (2)...Bashing their ex in conversation (3)...Asking you really, reeeally personal questions in public (4)...Drinking way too much and flirting with anything of the opposite sex that's mildly attractive (5) ... Talking about when, how or what they pooped (6)...speak on it and set the boundaries. STAT. You don’t want something random coming up in an argument down the road that surprises both you and them when it comes out of your mouth. 

Can't manage to get any of these in check? Walk the hell away. You know when enough is enough, and if you've had that "whoa, I'm done" moment, don't keep going back. Chances are extremely good that you'll just go through the same thing over and over and waste your time...over...and...over. Don't.

In conclusion, respect yourself, respect each other, keep the “you” aspects of yourself in tact, fight the urge to be obsessive, use common sense, and communicate. Communication is everything in any relationship whether it survives or fails. We all know that but we fail to practice it time and time again…then we make assumptions, snoop and accuse. It’s a vicious cycle. Avoid it. 

Until next time beautiful people,

Peace, love and light to all!


  1. My fiance and I are on top of each other 24/7. I've moved in with a friend to give us a bit of a break, and now we miss each other terribly. We are about to move in together again tomorrow. I'm going to try to persuade him to spend time out. And I'm going to try not to go with him to work as much. I miss him terribly when he goes to work though. I have an addictive personality, but don't want this relationship to crash, so I'm going to take your advice! Also, I feel the way about my ex that you discussed in the first section. One day it happened that I no longer wanted anything to do with him, and the very thought of him makes me sick!


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