Insecurity: The Ultimate Relationship Killer

Everyone, no matter who they are, where they're from or what they do, has felt insecure at one time or another. It's human nature to feel insecure about everything from an important meeting to a romantic relationship. But what happens when insecurities of the latter get the best of you and screw everything up?

One would think that the simple concept of insecurities being viewed as unattractive would deter them from allowing those insecurities to surface. But time and time again, they do...and time after time they manage to ruin relationships. 

Exactly what does "insecurity" mean anyway?? 

Insecurity is defined as 'uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence'...'the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection'. 

Does that describe you or someone you know? It probably does. And that description is probably accurate to the letter. In short, insecure people lack overall confidence. When these people bring that lack of confidence into their relationships, they're constantly afraid of getting hurt or cheated on. That underlying fear is the commander-in-chief of their sly comments, assumptions and blatant mistrust. It may even persuade them to engage in social media stalking and even insist upon seeing cell phone records or credit card statements. It can go pretty far. Some people try to stop it in it's tracks, making it clear that such antics are unacceptable; some just play along like its a game, or worse- they're flattered that someone is jealous. The way it's all perceived can cause varying effects on the individuals in the relationship and the relationship as a whole.

Attempting to stop the antics by emphasizing how ridiculous and unacceptable they are could actually cause an adverse effect. The accuser may assume (there's that pesky word again) that you are saying these things in order to persuade them into thinking you're innocent but in reality you're completely guilty. So now the accuser's suspicions are heightened and the accused is walking on eggshells; Or even worse, they bail because they don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust them. Trust and communication make up the foundation of a relationship. If one or both things are shot, there's really no hope. 

Then there's the never ending cycle of playing along. Couples engaging in this cycle just go tit for tat with everything. She thinks he's flirting with someone on social media (because she's "twatching"), so she does the same, making certain he sees it. He thinks she's interested in someone else because way too many of her "likes" on Instagram are of the same guy; so he finds someone he thinks is hot and knows she'll be jealous of and goes to town with double clicks. It's a vicious cycle that benefits no one. Eventually, things will either graduate to actual cheating as an ultimate form of revenge; or the couple breaks up, worn out with the tennis match of a relationship they've created. 

Lastly, we have the strange individuals roaming about that are prideful in the jealousy they've caused in their partner. Not to say it's completely ludicrous for someone to be slightly flattered by their partner showing a little jealousy-that's normal. But when it becomes a situation where you purposely play into their insecurities and do things to make them show their jealousy in order to prove you're their property, that's when you have a problem. It's not healthy to want someone to be jealous all of the want them to literally fight for you at a bar, at a restaurant, at Disney World. It just ends up being a controlling and territorial environment-with nothing more than bail bondsman bills and probation check-ins to show for it. 

The bottom line is, if you have insecurities it means you're human. None of us are Gods or machines. That's just life. BUT, since you are human, you have the mental capabilities to control said insecurity. There are plenty of books that teach you how to counteract and silence that little voice that says "go through his phone"..."she's cheating with someone on Twitter"..."I KNOW I can figure out this password". Not to mention friends with some sense (not all of them have it, I think we can all agree on that-so choose wisely). If you just take the time to admit that you're acting out as a result of your own insecurities and stop blaming the other person, you'll realize that you can handle it all a lot better...and with fewer casualties. If the other person is the one that seems to be trying to pull those insecurities out of you...the answer is pretty clear. That relationship needs to be reevaluated or ended if communicating with the purpose of building trust can't save it. 

PSA for today: Don't confuse control and fear for love and affection.

Until next time lovers,

Peace, Love and Communication Always