CLusTeRfUCk (Retro Post)


Constant test…constant multiple choice, or rather…fucking essay response test. At times it all makes sense, positivity prevails and solutions are visible on the horizon…sitting pretty and seeming attainable. Other times…everything is just a clusterfuck of new obstacles, walls, super long red lights and stubbed toes.
Some days you’re busier than ever with appointments and errands…those are the good days. They’re awesome really…because those are the days when you’ve got too much going on to think about anything other than what’s next on your agenda for the day. Mark my words…there’s nothing better than days like this.
Other days…you allow yourself to sink into nothingness-but in a good way. Whether it’s sitting around watching tv, going to the pool, browsing the internet or just reading while drinking chai tea with almond milk…you allow yourself to do it. Without regret, without shame…you somehow just let yourself be. I won’t lie…these days are a close second. I only say that because of my personality type though.  I prefer staying busy to doing nothing…BUT I do greatly appreciate a nice quiet day of nothingness every now and then. I believe they should be cherished…because if you don’t use them while you have them they’re lost. Once you’ve no time for them you’ll be hoping and praying for just one day of rest and relaxation to spend doing…nothing.
But then…there’s the in-between days…the ones that quite frankly suck; the ones where you have nothing in particular on your calendar and feel weird about letting yourself do nothing…resulting in too much time to fucking think. These are the days when you might get some bad news or you just start thinking about things. Your mind starts to race…it trails away from you running up and down and all around lists. Lists of things you need to do, lists of things you wish you could do, lists you want to burn…lists of things you should’ve done…and of course…lists of things currently pissing you off and/or causing you unnecessary issues.
You try to come up with solutions to everything…because of course, that’s what you’ve been doing all along….figuring shit out. Over and over and over…it’s become a process. The norm. Big bags of shit get tossed your way…and you always manage to come up with some master plan to resolve it. That’s what you did this go round too…only difference now is…time is running out…and the solutions you lined up aren’t coming through.
So now what?
Distracting ass list-float in your head: check…pity party: check…sporadic tears: check…brave-face mask: check…annoyed at the world shit fit: check…trying to brainstorm a whole new solution: check.

SO. NOW. WHAT.

Well first off…you sprint down 3 flights of stairs to get your car…because the sky has just opened up to let out ALL the rain and you left your windows cracked. You let them up…then walk back up the stairs…much slower than you sped down them.
…then you stream an episode of Lie to Me* on Netflix…and wish there was someone with you that could massage your scalp. Because you love that shit.

That's all I've got for today...but then again...this is just part 1. Stay tuned and all that...all the while remembering...
Art in many forms helps heal. Music, painting, drawing, writing…choose your medicine. Use it freely and generously.

Until next time...peace, harmony...and creative methods of healing.

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